Not everyone needs to know everything about you, and that's fine — some things are just your business. But in a marriage, holding back is a bad idea. Dr. Sarah Williams, a clinical psychologist, told me, "If you are holding secrets because you are afraid that your partner may judge or reject you, then you are not ready to make the commitment of marriage. Absolute trust is essential for a healthy, long-term relationship to stand the test of time."
Williams continued, "This does not mean that you have to disclose every little thing about yourself." So clearly some things are more important to disclose than others. "However, if you are not able to be brutally honest with your partner about things like your finances, who you spend your time with, or how much you use drugs or alcohol, then it is a good sign that you are not ready to commit to marriage."
Keeping too many secrets, then, reveals an emotional immaturity. Shadeen Francis, a marriage and family therapist, told me, "While you are always entitled to privacy, pursuing marriage without transparency may indicate that you are not ready to deepen the emotional intimacy in your relationship." So find your balance, and don't leave your partner in the dark. This is super important for polyamorous folks as well. Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, relationship therapist, and the founder and chief relationship advisor of Your Sage told me, "The success of a poly relationship occurs if everything is out in the open. Secret relationships on the side are killers."
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